I have decided to run for public office. I am all of 25 years old now, and I'm pretty sure that I have the world figured out. Sure, I don't know much about foreign or domestic policy, I am quite bored with C-Span, and my knowledge of the functions of the government has been routinely set up against the most recent episode of "The West Wing", but I have a platform by which I will attain victory.
My position is simple: Public Floggings. I believe many of our nation's problems might be solved with public, legal beatings. Of course, this does nothing to curb illegal immigration or terrorism, or most other major issues, but it would reduce the inconveniences of my day; frankly, isn't that what is most important?
So, who deserves these public pummelings?
- Movie Talkers: is there anything worse than those people who cannot make it two hours without talking, and generally quite loudly, to those next to them. If you are incapable to sitting quietly and enjoying the show, stay home!, or suffer the consequences that you deserve.
- Cell Phone Junkies: there is nothing wrong with answering your cell phone in public places. The 30-45 seconds it takes to tell them, "Hey, I'm sitting at Starbucks right now, so can I call you back when I leave?" is perfectly acceptable. That is the beauty of the cell phone. What is not acceptable is yelling, and does anyone talk into their phone without yelling; I've never seen it, while in a public setting. Someone even answered their phone in church yesterday morning....and talked to the person! There are appropriate places for phone conversations and inappopriate places; learn the difference or be prepared for the shame and pain that comes with public lashing.
- Soccer Moms in SUV's: I recognize that there are some of you, though the number is limited, that understand the intricate workings of using a steering wheel, and who realize you are truly not the only people on the road; I'm not referring to you. I am referring to those who don't realize that they are driving what amounts to a military-tank, or a school bus, and who see no need to take into account other people on the roadways or in parking lots. They just talk on their cell phones, take up ten parking spaces at a times, and pretty much motor around wherever and whenever they want. In truth, I wouldn't let them drive my bicycle, but the DMV has seen fit to let them operate these 10-ton battering rams, and the rest of us are forced to pay the consequences. Well, I say, not anymore.
- The Absent-Parent: Simply put, when a child is in public, should it not be the parent's responsibility to control that kid? If I am having dinner with my wife, should I have to pretend to be amused by the 4-year-old reaching from behind my both and playing with my hair? While I'm shopping at the bookstore, should I have to contend with Jr. running up and down the aisles yelling, knocking books to the floor as he goes? I can hardly blame the kids for being kids, so I choose to blame the parents for not being parents. A good, hard flogging should do the trick.
- "That Happened to Me Once" Guy: you know him/her, the one who cannot let a comment go by without personalizing it and telling their own story. "I had a horrific car accident this weekend; my entire family was killed. We were..." He interrupts, "That happened to me once. I once backed into a car at the supermarket. I had just gone in to buy some onions, or was it lettuce...." The next 10 minutes are filled with his life story, and no one else can enter into the conversation. These people must learn that conversations are for everyone, not just them. There is a title for what they are doing: monologue.
Feel free to add to the list...I'm sure I will
In Game Talkers: The folks who don't understand or appreciate sport, who feel that they have to talk during the entire game, causing you to miss iportant plays---especially the plays that are amazing but never make the replay or Sportscenter. People who do that honestly do deserve a beating. I already have to put up with Bill Walton's ignorance, and Dick Vitale's ACC worship. To add another voice on top of that is just cruel!
Good to know, ODP! :P
Michael, I got such a kick out of your post today! So true!