Dear Mr. University President,
I recognize that you are basically the CEO of a large, state-funded corporation, that the comfort, or perhaps more apropos, discomfort, of we measly commoners is of no more import to your day than an approval rating or war-status-report is to 'Dubya', but, if I might, I have some suggestions to make the graduation ceremony a bit more palatable for all involved.
First, and, to be honest, foremost, is it necessary to have graduate students share the ceremony with undergrads? Sure, time and space are undoubtedly at a premium in the bustling early weekends of August, though you do a nice job of disguising your institution as an old-West ghost-town, but do you think we might can recognize the obvious? Undergrads and their parents/friends/frat-brothers/... apparently have the social graces of tractor-pull attendees...only these people are already on edge because they are wearing the three sizes too small 'funeral suit' that they haven't touched since Peepaw's unfortunate tractor accident. The grad-students have spent the last three years working, raising their families, contributing to society, all the while studying every spare moment of their busy days, and they and their families want a moment of reflection and enjoyment without a damn air horn going off every five minutes.
While we're there; airhorns? really? In 2007 we have not moved past airhorns? Ha, ha, it's funny to be an asshole, ha, ha.
Secondly, are there no scholars left to give the type of rousing, inspiring speech that will be written up in future anthologies? Sure, I appreciate the guy who got his Bachelor's 40 years before and hasn't cracked a book since, who doesn't, but one can only put up with 20 or so minutes of self-deprecating humor absent any true sentiment before one demands at least of modicum of substance. What message are you sending to your graduates: "All these years of hard work, they mean nothing, because 40 years from now you will neither remember anything you studied nor have anything original or inspiring to impart to the future generations...but, if you are lucky, you get to wear a cool robe and stutter into a microphone in front of a crow of people who wish you wouldn't...cheers.
Thirdly, two words (or one hyphenated word): Pronunciation (-) Guide. Can there be a more deflating moment for a graduate and his/her family after years of waiting for this moment than a Texan butchering your surname, stammering, and then finally rushing through the pronunciation again as if saying it faster will cause people not to know that you don't know how to say it?
Finally, two more words: Open Bar...I might even learn to appreciate the airhorns then.
I recognize that you are basically the CEO of a large, state-funded corporation, that the comfort, or perhaps more apropos, discomfort, of we measly commoners is of no more import to your day than an approval rating or war-status-report is to 'Dubya', but, if I might, I have some suggestions to make the graduation ceremony a bit more palatable for all involved.
First, and, to be honest, foremost, is it necessary to have graduate students share the ceremony with undergrads? Sure, time and space are undoubtedly at a premium in the bustling early weekends of August, though you do a nice job of disguising your institution as an old-West ghost-town, but do you think we might can recognize the obvious? Undergrads and their parents/friends/frat-brothers/... apparently have the social graces of tractor-pull attendees...only these people are already on edge because they are wearing the three sizes too small 'funeral suit' that they haven't touched since Peepaw's unfortunate tractor accident. The grad-students have spent the last three years working, raising their families, contributing to society, all the while studying every spare moment of their busy days, and they and their families want a moment of reflection and enjoyment without a damn air horn going off every five minutes.
While we're there; airhorns? really? In 2007 we have not moved past airhorns? Ha, ha, it's funny to be an asshole, ha, ha.
Secondly, are there no scholars left to give the type of rousing, inspiring speech that will be written up in future anthologies? Sure, I appreciate the guy who got his Bachelor's 40 years before and hasn't cracked a book since, who doesn't, but one can only put up with 20 or so minutes of self-deprecating humor absent any true sentiment before one demands at least of modicum of substance. What message are you sending to your graduates: "All these years of hard work, they mean nothing, because 40 years from now you will neither remember anything you studied nor have anything original or inspiring to impart to the future generations...but, if you are lucky, you get to wear a cool robe and stutter into a microphone in front of a crow of people who wish you wouldn't...cheers.
Thirdly, two words (or one hyphenated word): Pronunciation (-) Guide. Can there be a more deflating moment for a graduate and his/her family after years of waiting for this moment than a Texan butchering your surname, stammering, and then finally rushing through the pronunciation again as if saying it faster will cause people not to know that you don't know how to say it?
Finally, two more words: Open Bar...I might even learn to appreciate the airhorns then.
So glad to hear you enjoyed Julie's graduation!! Ha! Congrats to Julie!