Stone Life

Not that I normally answer my cell phone with any regularity in the first place (I know, I am an ass), but the likelihood of me answering yesterday was diminished 100 times over by the events of the last two days. I lived the life of a hermit yesterday, a really bitter hermit, and my seclusion included avoiding the telephone and email in particular.

Let us rewind:

After a really good meeting on Wednesday with my NEW advisor (more to come on that later)
I cam home at 4:00 or so, ready to settle in to some light study, a glass or two of wine, and be in bed fairly early. Wednesday was a big day, after all.

Rewind further:

Nearly a calendar-year ago I was informed by the graduate secretary (for the sake of our conversation, we will dub her SATAN) that I had.....well, read for yourself the exact transcript.

(he cowers in fear, literally shaking and sweating as he opens the glass door into the office)

Unsuspecting Grad-Student: Good afternoon, Ms. N______. (trying to smile and look her in the eye)

SATAN: HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS ME BY MY NAME, YOU INSOLENT WORM.

Guy Wetting His Pants Now: I'm sorry, Gatekeeper-to-all-things-academic. (he makes the sign of the cross in her direction, ending with a Nazi-salute in her direction)

SATAN: THAT'S BETTER...YOU CAN GO NOW!

Soiled and Shaking: ...b..but I havvven't even asked you m....

SATAN: OOOH! I'M SOOO SORRY. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU YOUR MAJESTY? WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COOKIES AND PUNCH? HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SOFT MUSIC AND A BACK-RUB? WELL? SPIT IT OUT!

Defeated: I...I...just...www...t (he crawls into the corner, clutching knees to his chest, crying).

******************************

Amidst the condescension as thick as old milk she managed to let me know that it was time for me to graduate, and I needed to line up three professors to write three different questions for me concerning an agreed upon topic for each. If I could do this in the next couple of weeks, I could knock the three-hour test out in May or early June.

Sounds easy, right?

Long story short, it took months and months for my professors to return enough phone calls/emails in succession to agree upon topics, though one gave me no more direction than, "I'll write you a Jane Austen question." (translated: "I will ask you something broad or obscure, critical or topical on any one or all of her six-novels and/or juvenilia....easy, right?) I have been studying off and on since June/July, and I finally got the big test scheduled for December 4th. For the past few weeks I have been in super-overdrive-intense-mode, studying night and day, becoming an expert in all things Austen, Czeslaw Milosz, and Friedrich Nietzsche. Monday before the test, I am ready.

I get home from on Monday, ready to rest, relax, get some rest before the test in the morning. I consider taking a run, but decide to check my email one last time before I head out the door. The time is 4:40. My inbox had a message from SATAN (a message written after 4:30, mind you), which stated that two of my professors had not delivered their questions to her, and I need to take care of this before my test in the morning.

Me: (after a string of expletives, yelling at my computer screen) "But I sent you a f***ing email two weeks ago asking if everything was set for my test!!! You told me everything was fine!!! Do you know how hard it was to get these professors to even acknowledge me?!?! It may take three weeks just to get them on the phone!!"

Long story shortened (I know, it's not short), I wrangled one professor's secretary into forcing her boss to submit the question overnight, but my Nietzsche guy, of course, left that country early that afternoon, and there would be no way to get in contact with her for days, weeks, months, decades....

SATAN's response: (coldly) You'll just have to find another professor to write a different question (ensuring another couple of months to the process).

I found the only decent human at that university that agreed to write a Nietzsche question for me, but, he has never taught The Anti-Christ, which was my major text. Instead, we agreed on similar parameters on two other Nietzsche texts that I am less versed in, but have read before. I have one-week to master these extra two texts and somehow not forget the others that I have studied so frantically. If I don't get to take it on next Wednesday, I have to wait until next semester to graduate, and that really, really screws up my plans for the Spring (more to come on that)

So, in summary, I did not take my test, I am still studying, and I am ready to jump off of the balcony.